My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
