dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
