mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
