if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
