soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
