I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Randomize
