just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Michael Bay diarrhea
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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