She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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