Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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