My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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