Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
