Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
