after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
