just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
