I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
