I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
