I swear she didn't look like that last week.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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