You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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