The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Randomize
