just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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