I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
