I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
