you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
