I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
