He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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