Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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