Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
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Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
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I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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