When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
