He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
