I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
