I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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