His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
