I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
