I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
