i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
