P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
