community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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