Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
