If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
