She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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