i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
