they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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