Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
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