Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
