I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
