All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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