Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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