i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
