Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
