wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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