Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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