Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
