I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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