Swine flu. Run for my life!
she woke up with a sticky ear
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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