dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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