i think i have two assholes
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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