the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
