He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
